Kneel Before Zod!

Tonight saw the sixth season premiere of Smallville. I really enjoy Smallville, but the crappy thing is that if I watch it, it means I have to miss My Name Is Earl. Why couldn't NBC just put Deal Or No Deal on at 8:00 and My Name Is Earl and The Office on at 9:00 and 9:30 like last season? It wouldn't have been so bad, then. But I guess if I have to choose one or the other, I can wait for summer reruns to see what I miss.

So let's recap the episode:

• Clark is stuck in the Phantom Zone with Raya, a former assistant of Jor-El. Also in the Phantom Zone are Zod's two goons from last season and actual phantoms. No, really. Phantoms in the Phantom Zone. Yeah. It's as weird as it sounds.
• In Metropolis, Chloe and Lionel get away from the unruly mob. Chloe goes back to the Daily Planet and runs into Jimmy Olsen, while Lionel goes back to Smallville to get the anti-Zod dagger Clark used to kill Brainiac in last season's finale.
• Also in Metropolis, we learn that Lex/Zod wants to fire up some genocide on the human race, and is only keeping Lana alive so she can have millions of Zod's babies. Must everybody on this freaking show want to knock boots with Lana?
• Martha and Lois's plane has crashed in the Arctic near the Fortress of Solitude. Jor-El tells Martha the details of the situation, and that somebody's gotta kill Lex/Zod since Clark is up in the Phantom Zone. He poofs her and Lois back to Smallville, where both Lionel and Lana show up at around the same time. Lana says, "hey, Zod likes me," so she figures she's gonna try to introduce Lex/Zod to the pointy end of the dagger.
• After a battle that sees Raya slit the throat of Zod's goons and get into a knife fight with the other, Clark escapes the Phantom Zone.
• Lana starts seducing Lex/Zod, then tries to sneak a good stabbing on him. Lex/Zod is all "not today, honey" and breaks the dagger like a twig. He fires up a piece of Kryptonian technology that begins causing worldwide earthquakes, then goes to snap Lana's neck before he's interrupted by Clark. Clark smashes the earthquake machine, then ends up brawling with Lex/Zod up into the air and out into a forest, where Lex/Zod gets the upper hand. He orders Clark to swear allegiance to him, but Clark ends up tricking him into grabbing this protective amulet that Raya gave him in the Phantom Zone. The amulet - which looks like the Superman logo, believe it or not - sucks Zod's presence out of Lex's body and sends him back to the Phantom Zone.
• At the hospital, Lex runs into Lana, who's got fresh bandages covering a wound on her hand caused when Lex/Zod pinned it to a wall with a sword. He asks if it's his fault, since he's blacked out pretty much everything since he got imbued with Zod's essence. In short, her response was, "Kinda, yeah." They kiss and make up, and really, this whole relationship has "abusive boyfriend/meek girlfriend making excuses" painted all over it.
• Also at the hospital, Lois recalls her half-unconscious journey to the Fortress of Solitude, which she believes to be a near-death experience. She and Clark share an awkward moment when they catch one another holding hands after he tells her he's relieved that she's okay.
• Speaking of awkward moments, there's another one when Clark goes to check on Chloe at the Daily Planet. They start talking about her kissing him at the end of last season's finale, but get interrupted by Jimmy, who is apparently going to be her love interest this season.
• At the barn loft at the Kent farm, Clark realizes that everything he knows is different now, and finding his place in the world is going to be much harder. It doesn't help him that apparently, Jor-El no longer inhabits the Fortress of Solitude either. Why, I do not know.
• As the episode comes to a close, we are left with three things. We learned earlier in the episode that Lionel's connection to Jor-El's consciousness had been severed, but we see him translating Kryptonian symbols in his office (specifically, the symbol for power). Secondly, Lex discovers a broken piece of the earthquake machine on his desk. Thirdly, we see one of the phantoms from the Phantom Zone flying out of a canyon in Argentina.

So Clark's fought freaks hopped up on Kryptonite steroids, other Kryptonians, witches, vampires, and now a ghost from the Phantom Zone? Can't we just save that for a throwaway Halloween episode like when Lana was a vampire?

In other news, Jimmy Olsen made his Smallville debut, as played by Aaron Ashmore, twin brother of Shawn (Iceman from the X-Men trilogy). It makes me wonder what other DC characters they can bring in. The Green Arrow is set to be in seven episodes at least, there's talk of Michael McKean showing up as Perry White (reprising his role from a few seasons back), and there's even a rumor going around that Aquaman, The Flash, and Cyborg are going to show up one more time to join Clark and Green Arrow as a quasi-Justice League. Yeah, Cyborg is a Teen Titan, not a member of the Justice League, but when did Smallville's producers ever let the comics get in the way of them telling a story?

But the episode was not bad. Not great, but not awful. It wasn't one of the best episodes I've seen, but for an episode that tried to wrap up last season's loose ends and establish something new for this season, I can't complain. We'll see where this goes next week.

When Two Reviews Call

I've been talking about it, and I've finally got it done. That double feature of reviews is finished, ripe and ready for you readers to check out. For your approval, I submit my reviews of the 1979 and 2006 versions oif the horror movie When A Stranger Calls.

Now that I've got them done, I can finally rid myself of the memory of having seen the remake. I wish I could kick that movie in the teeth. And the sad part is that I didn't realize just how awful it was when I first saw it back in February. Needless to say, I realized my mistake and was less kind this time around.

So enough of me, go read the reviews and enjoy.

"Number Two" Is A Fitting Name

Do you want to know something that really stinks? Making a 35-minute trip to somewhere you didn't know was closed. Me and my usual running buddy Moses were aiming to head to the drive-in theater in Harrodsburg to see a double feature of Invincible and The Wicker Man, but when we got there, nobody was in the box office and the parking lot was empty. Naturally, we thought things seemed a little suspicious. So we pulled in anyway and figured we'd see if anybody was manning the concession stand. The place was locked up and no lights were on, but someone who'd pulled in behind us hollered and said they saw somebody behind the place walking around, so I headed back there to ask what was up. The guy back there informed me that due to not-so-great weather, the place wasn't going to be rolling any movies. He also mentioned that the place would probably be closing for the winter soon. We left, and needless to say, we were pretty bummed for a few minutes.

But since there was another theater a few minutes away over in Danville, we figured we'd just skip ahead to some of our plans for Tuesday and catch the 9:40 showing of Jackass: Number Two. And folks, this movie isn't for the squeamish. It's very fitting that John Waters, the king of cinematic sleaze, has a cameo, because the movie repeatedly dips into the realm of the scatological with joyful glee. There's blood, feces (both human and equestrian), a certain bodily fluid from a horse (no, not urine), and an insane amount of uncomfortable male nudity. But even at it's most disgusting, the movie is still perversely funny if you're into frat boy humor. However, as with the original movie, you'll only enjoy the sequel if you're a fan of the television show that inspired it. And truth be told, if you didn't like the show, then you probably won't be seeing the movie anyway.

Because the movie is successful in its attempt to both gross out its target audience as well as make them laugh, I'll give Jackass: Number Two a solid three and a half stars and a recommendation only to fans of the show.

I also have to admit that I really like the five-dollar pizza deal at Little Caesars. I'm more of a Pizza Hut kind of guy, but you can't beat a pizza that's cheap and of decent quality. I bring this up because me and Moses swung by the Harrodsburg Little Caesars before the movie, since we had two hours to kill until the movie and we were a little hungry. My only complaint is that Little Caesars is a carry-out place. I don't necessarily have a problem with that, but sometimes, I think Little Caesars would do well to put picnic tables or some benches outside their locations for people who don't want to take their pizzas and head home right away.

But I don't run the place, so what do I know?

You Owe Me $2.50, Mother Nature!

You know, I never feel really old until I have to do something regarding my old high school.

Myself and my usual running buddy Moses went to our old stomping grounds, Washington County High School, to attend the football team's homecoming game against Louisville Christian Academy. The first half wasn't bad at all, with W.C. leading 13-0 at halftime. But then, as they say on VH1's Behind The Music, it all came crashing down.

No, Washington County didn't lose. They didn't even play. After the crowning of the homecoming king and queen at halftime, the teams returned to the sidelines, only to leave again after a few minutes. There was some pretty nasty lightning coming through the area, and I guess both teams and 99% of the crowd decided to leave and avoid the weather. Of course, that led me and a few others to joke that since we only got to see half a game, we should go up to the ticket booth and ask for half of our money back.

Moses and I hung around for at least an hour or two with the hopes that the game would get started again, but we ended up leaving around 10:00 and headed to Pizza Hut before it closed. Word was that the teams just agreed to postpone the second half of the game until Monday night. But screw that, I'm declaring NASCAR Rules. The game was halfway over and Washington County was in the lead, so I'm going to call it a win for us.

A moral victory is still a victory of some kind. Am I right?

Project Progress

I posted last week about some of my projects, about how I was hoping to do a double feature of reviews plus a third one. Unfortunately, the third one has temporarily fallen through due to circumstances beyond my control. But I'm hoping to get it written whenever I can, and the double feature is still going to happen regardless. I promise.

As it stands now, I think my recent review writing binge is going to continue for a while. I had the idea of jotting down which movies on my Netflix queue I'd like to write about, but I discovered that it would be just as easy to make a note of which ones I didn't want to write about. I think my efforts are going to need to be halved, otherwise I'll be doing nothing but writing these reviews. If I were getting paid for it, that'd be one thing. But it's just a hobby now, so I'll be doing them at my leisure.

But there are quite a few reviews that I really would like to write. I'd like to do a few comedies, which will be good because S@TM's sea of reviews could stand to be a little bit deeper. Man cannot live on horror alone, can he?

Anyway, I already have the first review in the double feature finished, but the second one is going to be as hard to write as the first. I say so because the movie is so mind-numbingly awful that I'm having a hard time thinking of ways to insult it. I just can't bring myself to mock it without getting angry about how bad it is. I'd rather hit myself in the groin with a sledgehammer than talk about this movie. It's not as awful as Pulse, but it's still pretty horrible. And that's one of S@TM's unspoken mission statements: I watch garbage so you don't have to. Except for Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. I'm not watching that movie, even if you paid me.

Which is rather sad, actually. I'll watch Catwoman, Superman 4, Batman & Robin, and House of the Dead, but I wouldn't touch Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector with a ten-foot pole. And why is that? Because Larry the Cable Guy is the Antichrist.

That, and I'm just not ready to add negative stars to my ratings scale.

More Reviews To Come

So here I am looking to make a post, but I'm completely stumped for topics of discussion. I had a perfectly good theme lined up and everything, but so help me, I forgot what it was. Don't you hate when that happens?

But I can think of something to talk about. Like some of the projects I'm working on. I finished up a new review Thursday night as part of a double feature. I haven't started on the second half yet, but depending on how Netflix decides to work, I may have to put it on hold temporarily. There's a movie hitting DVD store shelves on Tuesday that I'd like to review if and when Netflix ships it out to me. But if they don't, I'll be getting to work on that second review. So either way, I'm getting another review written. Whether it's two or three when I get them all posted, we'll see.

I have to admit that the first review was a real chore to write after a while. The deeper I got into it, the less I wanted to write. Not because I didn't want to write, but because I just didn't want to talk about the movie anymore. The sheer nonsense that was the movie sucked out part of my soul, and if I was a lesser man, the entire review probably would have consisted of a picture of me sitting in a corner curled up in the fetal position, sobbing my eyes out. It would look kinda like that scene from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective where Jim Carrey freaks out after discovering Sean Young's deep dark secret. Maybe not 100% like that, but almost.

It'll probably be the same way when it comes to writing the second review. I've only seen the movie once a few months ago, but I remember it being nothing short of mediocre, with a main character so stupid that it's almost offensive. Hopefully it isn't as awful the second time around.

I'm going to wrap this up here. Perhaps more later, if I have something to say. Ciao.

Holy Crap, Affleck Can Act!

Moses, my sister Bet, and myself all got together this afternoon so we could take in a movie. I got put in charge of picking what we saw, so I decided upon Hollywoodland. We had to drive all the way up to Lexington to see it, but since we had to go up there to run some errands anyway, that was no big deal.

Unfortunately, our opinions of the movie were decidedly mixed. Moses fell asleep two or three times, Bet didn't like it (claiming that she had no clue what was going on), and I thought it was great.

The movie centers around a private investigator (played by Adrien Brody) following a trail of clues that hint actor George Reeves was murdered, not a victim of suicide as claimed. In a subplot running concurrently, we follow Reeves (played by Ben Affleck) through flashbacks on his road to stardom as Superman and his eventual death, along with his affair with Toni Mannix (played by Diane Lane), the wife of powerful movie studio executive Eddie Mannix (played by Bob Hoskins).

Personally, I found the movie to be a very intriguing, very engrossing modern film noir. Each performance is exemplary (especially Affleck, believe it or not), and Allen Coulter's direction is sound. Though the movie relies almost too heavily on flashbacks and seemingly runs a wee bit too long despite clocking in at only two hours, six minutes, Hollywoodland is an interesting look into the seedy underbelly of Hollywood's golden days. My final verdict: four stars and a big thumbs up. Go check it out, if it's playing around you.

The Descent > The Cave

Going back to the well, I've got one more movie review up for you faithful readers. Want to know what it is? Do you? Huh?

Well, I'll tell you. This time around it's the British horror film The Descent. If you haven't gotten a chance to see the movie, you're really missing out on an awesome movie.

But it doesn't stop there. I've got another one or two more reviews I've put some thought into writing, and hopefully they'll be done by the end of the month. I'm not giving myself a particular time table because I like to work slowly, but I'm hoping to have at least one done by then.

Rotiart: Dumbest Disguise Ever

I was going through some of my older posts the other day, and I wasn't exactly thrilled with my recap of the first episode of Who Wants To Be A Superhero? I was a little harsh regarding the episode, and besides, I only covered the second half of it. So via the magic of the Internet (and my favorite peer-to-peer downloading program), we're going back in time to review the premiere episode of my favorite new reality show.

We open with our friendly neighborhood announcer explaining the show's concept: comic book legend Stan Lee is searching for "the next great superhero." After an extensive casting call featuring would-be contestants pitching a character of their own invention, the twelve contestants selected will be tested on their superhero mettle. And the ultimate prize: immortality. The winner receives a comic book written by Stan The Man and published by Dark Horse Comics, along with their own "Sci-Fi Channel Original" movie.

After clips of the auditions, we are introduced to the contestants:

1. Tobias Trost - "Levity"
2. Jonathan Finestone - "Rotiart"
3. Tonya Kay - "Creature"
4. Chris Watters - "Major Victory"
5. Steel Chambers - "The Iron Enforcer"
6. Mary Votava - "Monkey Woman"
7. Nell Wilson - "Fat Momma"
8. Darren Passarello - "Nitro G"
9. Chelsea Weld - "Cell Phone Girl"
10. Matthew Atherton - "Feedback"
11. E. Quincy Sloan - "Ty'veculus"
12. Tonatzin Mondragon - "Lemuria"

Once all of our heroes have arrived, they get to know one another. And by "get to know one another," I mean "do a conga line." I wish I was making that up. Once everyone got there, they had a few drinks and decided to party. But right when everybody starts having fun, Stan The Man pops up on a monitor and decides to play the role of the party pooper.

I just have to quote Stan, because this is too good:

"Hold it there! This is serious business! Don't you realize what you're there for? We're looking for the next superhero! I spent my life creating superheroes, and they don't act like that!"

You tell 'em, Stan!

Anyway, Stan pops up to announce that the heroes will be moving out of their current location and into a secret lair. He tells them he's arranged for them to travel in something "very inconspicuous," but he and I must have a different definition of that word, because he has them picked up by one of those stretch Hummer limousines. Oh, that's totally inconspicuous. Nobody would ever notice a bunch of people in spandex outfits wheeling around in a tank.

The twelve heroes are immediately taken aback by their new lair, because on the outside, it looks like a run-down warehouse in the middle of the ghetto. They're not even sure if it's the right place until they open up the front door and see Stan's grinning mug on a monitor. He confirmed that this was their destination after all, but announced that one of them would not be allowed inside. That piece of news also came with the revelation that one of the contestants is one of Stan's assistants, a spy enlisted to weed out the least worthy superhero.

Each of them made accusations, before Rotiart proclaimed that his name is "traitor" spelled backwards. Well, gee, isn't that convenient. It does make sense that he'd be the spy, since he didn't seem all that interested in interacting with the others. It didn't help that he wasn't in the opening credits, either. Rotiart informed the others that he'd been taping the others with a hidden camera (as opposed to the other cameras sitting out in the open filming them?), and found three contestants whose intentions he'd found to be a little suspect.

First up was Levity, who builds customized action figures and thinks one of himself could make boatloads of money if he wins. Secondly was Creature, who was being way too flirty with a number of the male heroes, which Stan thought made her look like she was just there to hook up. And thirdly was Iron Enforcer, who had no problem boasting about how deadly he was. All three were put up on the chopping block, but Stan decided that it was Levity who would be the first to turn in his costume. Rotiart escorted him away, and Stan allowed the remaining ten into the lair.

The place doesn't look like much when they enter, and the freight elevator they have to take looks like it'd crash at any minute, but their lair isn't as bad as the exterior. It's actually pretty ritzy, believe it or not. Stan called them into the dining room and informed them that since he could not test their powers, he would test them on their values. He gave each of them a communicator so he could speak to them personally, and told them that the day ahead would be a big one.

The reason it was such a big day is because it marked their first challenge. One at a time, the superheroes were to change from their civilian clothes into their superhero costumes in an inconspicuous location, then race across a town plaza to a designated checkpoint. They originally believed it was a test of speed, but there was a catch. There's always a catch. As the heroes ran through the plaza, they'd have to run past a lost little girl crying for her mother. Unbeknownst to the heroes, she was their real objective. Those who stopped to check on her passed, while those who didn't failed.

Of the ten heroes, only four (Fat Momma, Cell Phone Girl, Lemuria, and Major Victory) stopped to check on the girl. What kind of hero ignores a crying child? I'd buy Iron Enforcer ignoring her, because he looks like the kind of superhero that would be way too focused on kicking the everloving snot out of a supervillain. That poor crying child would probably be caught up in the crossfire and collateral damage and whatnot. And I will have to give Monkey Woman style points, for staying in character by climbing a tree in order to change her costume.

Stan dropped the bombshell about the little girl after each had finished, then called them all back to the lair, where they would meet on the roof at their normal chopping block. This time around, he first called up Nitro G, citing his failure to change into his costume conspicuously, as he instead opted to do it out where he could be easily seen. He even called Nitro G down for grinning with embarrassment ("Stop smiling! This is very serious."). Second up was Monkey Woman, who Stan thought actually saw the little girl but kept running anyway. And lastly was Iron Enforcer, whose violent tendencies still didn't sit well with Stan.

Each of them was given an opportunity to explain why they shouldn't be cut. Each of them explained that they simply didn't pay any attention to her, and all three asked for a second chance. But somebody has to go, and that somebody is Nitro G. Stan asked him to turn in his costume, and wished the remaining nine the best of luck. Roll credits.

Thus endeth the debut episode of Who Wants To Be A Superhero?. Personally, I thought the show drastically improved after this episode, because this one seemed like they were still working out all the kinks. It also helped that we really started getting to know the contestants in the second episode, since we really didn't know any of them. Especially Levity, considering he only lasted halfway into the episode.

I'll admit that I wasn't 100% sold upon seeing this episode the first time. But as I tuned in the next week and the week after that, it really began to grow on me. It helped that I thought the contestants were quite entertaining too, which is an important part of any show.

And now it's back to waiting for Season Two. If there is one, I'll see you back here then. Until then, true believers, excelsior.

State of the Script

A friend of the blog wrote a post yesterday about the various writing talent of her associates, and among the items spoken of was a certain attempt at a screenplay written by yours truly. I figure that now is a good time as any to talk about the status of that project.

To tell you the truth, I haven't touched it in quite some time. I don't have any particular direction I'm aiming for, nor can I think of any way to connect the one or two scenes I've managed to think up. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. I don't have a set outline I want to follow, and I don't have any sort of resolutions I'm aiming for at this juncture in the process. I'm just writing Scene #1, Scene #2, Scene #3, and so on, making it all up in my head as I go along. (And I'm not making up much, since I'm stuck on Scene #3 with no clue where to go next.)

Sometimes I wonder if writing this script is what I've been put here to do. I've wanted to do something like this for the longest time, but it isn't coming as naturally as I thought it would. Is it supposed to be this hard? Perhaps it's my severe lack of life experience. Perhaps it's the fact that I've seen so many movies that I can't think of any way to do a scene without doing it like something else. I don't know.

But as I said, I just wonder if this is what I should be doing. My self-depriciating comments regarding my writing talent merely echo my own fears. I've gotten the reviews thing down pat, and I love doing those. But when it comes to the script, I don't know what I'm doing or how to knock it out when I do know. This is something I've wanted to forever, and now that I've finally made an attempt, it's not what I thought it would be. I may put it on hold until I can acquire some material to work with. Might take months, might take years. I don't know.

Why can't this writing thing come with an instruction manual or a road map or something?

Beerfest Makes My Liver Hurt

It's odd how things can go sometimes. I was talking about how boring my weekend was on Sunday, then I have all kinds of activities to partake in yesterday and today. I'm so tired I can barely type this, but I'm going to tough it out.

Let's start with Monday, shall we? Myself, Moses, and our Lawrenceburg peeps Tiff and Jennifer went to Frankfort for what was originally concieved as a trip to see either Beerfest or The Wicker Man. There was no movie, as the trip ended up with us making a stop at Pizza Hut before going bowling. The sign in front of the bowling alley advertised 99-cent games between 3:00 and 7:00, so we totally took advantage of that. And even with the gutter bumpers in play (since gutter balls totally suck), I never broke 100. Though we all hovered somewhere between 80 and 100, to be honest. After the bowling, we headed back to Jennifer's house to watch Monday Night Raw, and I finally got back home at midnight. So a long and tiring, yet fun, day.

Which brings us to today. Moses and I headed up to Lexington for the 1:20 showing of Beerfest, and both of us really liked it. Both of us are fans of the Broken Lizard troupe, and I personally don't feel disappointed at all. The tale can be explained relatively quickly: Two brothers recruit a team to participate in the underground Olympics of drinking games during Oktoberfest, so they can defeat a team of Germans and defend the honor of their deceased great-grandfather. So as you can assume, nearly the whole thing is comprised of jokes involving beer. There's so many beer jokes, in fact, that the movie opened with a "don't try this at home" warning. Outside of the Jackass movies, I can't think of one movie that's featured one of those.

I enjoyed Broken Lizard's characters (especially Jay Chandrasekhar), but I really loved the German team. I'm a fan of Eric Christian Olsen and Saturday Night Live cast member Will Forte, and them alone makes me hope that the German team will have more screen time in the inevitable unrated DVD. I also got quite a laugh out of the numerous references to movies like Predator, An American Werewolf in London, and Broken Lizard's own Super Troopers, and even Jürgen Prochnow making a "wink wink, nudge nudge" reference to his starring role in Das Boot.

Like I said, I'm a Broken Lizard fan, and I laughed my head off throughout Beerfest. I'm going to agree with what Libby said and give it three and a half stars. I approve.

After the movie, we made a stop at White Castle for some lunch, then headed over to Fayette Mall for a few hours of window shopping. The only real bad part of window shopping is that I always end up finding stuff I like but can't afford. I hate when that happens. But after a long day of moviegoing and hanging around a mall, we rolled back home at somewhere around 9:00. Good day, it was.

And I'm out of here for now. Back again some other time.

Post #450

I hope everybody is having a great Labor Day weekend. Things are moving kind of slowly here. The sky's been kinda gloomy and it's looked like it was going to rain all weekend, so things have been moving slower than usual. That's the biggest reason I'm posting despite having nothing to talk about. I needed to stave off boredom for a few more minutes.

I don't know what kind of plans I have for tomorrow, but most of my recent plans have been spur of the moment anyway. I'm sure something, anything will come up. Even if it doesn't, I can keep myself busy by working on a new review for Sutton At The Movies. I'm halfway through one, and I have one or two more I'm considering doing soon. See what happens when I break my hiatus from reviewing? I do one, and it snowballs from there.

And that's all I've got. Out.