Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Rumors Are True

You know the phrase "curiosity killed the cat?" I think I might be part feline because a little bit of me died inside a few hours ago.

I say that because a local TV channel decided to show Troll 2 late last night. I've heard over and over that it's supposed to be one of the worst movies ever made, but I'd never actually seen it before. And because I chose to be a masochist and pretty darn stupid to boot, I actually watched it.

I can say, without a trace of hyperbole, that the rumors are true. Everything you may have heard about Troll 2 is absolute fact.

Troll 2 is definitely one of the most insane bad movies I have ever seen. Such was its insanity that it made me crazy too; I spent roughly half the movie yelling at the TV. When I wasn't shouting an unhealthy cornucopia of profanities in the movie's direction, I was desperately trying to convince the movie of its own stupidity, as if it could actually hear me.

I've survived Manos: The Hands of Fate and Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, and I thought I was tougher for it. But then along came Troll 2. I honestly didn't think it was possible for a movie to be this bad. I'm simply flabbergasted by its sheer stupidity.

What I saw on TV was a slightly edited version, which thankfully had commercials inserted so I could have a few moments every so often to recover. Could I make it though the uncut version? I don't know. But I want to give it a shot one day.

Why? The movie is practically daring me to watch it again. It's so bad it made me want to tear my own head off, but Troll 2 is a movie I have to see again, just to prove to myself that it's really real. I think I'll have to review it for the S@TM blog too, as sort of a last will and testament if the stupidity drives me to suicide.

The truth of the matter is that I want to punch Troll 2 in the face. But I'm not sure I could ever hurt it the way it hurt me.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Watching, Writing, Reading

I don't have a very exciting existence. That's probably why I never have a whole lot to talk about here. Things can get boring awfully quickly, so I spend quite a bit of time writing.

The sad part about it is that I'm not creative enough to write short stories or the movie script I wanted to do a few years back or anything like that. Instead, I write movie reviews.

But you knew that, right? I mean, this very blog you're reading right now is full of links to reviews I've written. If you're a regular visitor here, you've hopefully read a couple of them. If you haven't yet, why not? It couldn't hurt anything, could it?

In fact, if you're new to my reviews, here's your chance to get acquainted. I just posted my new review of Pee-wee's Big Adventure a little while ago, so if you're a curious newbie or a regular who wants to read my new stuff, just click the link. You'll be my best friend if you do, I promise.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Vampire Movies Needed More Dafoe

Coming up with original content for this blog is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I guess my problem is that I just haven't come up with anything meaningful to say. Here's hoping that I'll be able to come up with something soon, because this is the MSX's milestone 900th post. Yeah, no kidding, this is number 900. We're a hundred posts away from a thousand. It's weird thinking that I've been running this goofy little corner of the Internet for over eight years, and I'm just now getting near quadruple digits. Maybe I should put some more effort into this bad boy.

Anyway, I'm going to take a detour for now and head into my bread and butter, movie talk. I headed out earlier this afternoon to see a matinee showing of Daybreakers, which I'd been aiming to see all month. Turns out today is the last day it's playing at the two theaters I usually go to, so unless I wanted to wait until May or June for the DVD release, I had to take my shot.

So what did I think about it? I liked it. I thought it was cool. But was it flawless? Sadly, no. The plot isn't as developed as it could have bee, to the point that the movie almost feels hollow. There's a subplot involving the daughter of Sam Neill's character that feels not only rushed by tacked on as well, and its final result could have probably been done better if handled differently. And those occasional jump scares with the bat that flies by the camera? Those weren't necessary at all.

I know I've been complaining, but I honestly did think Daybreakers was a cool movie. The acting is solid and the direction is slick, plus the vampires aren't the whiny, glittering losers that have become popular lately. So that's a plus, right? Anyway, I'm going to give the movie three stars on the Five-Star Sutton Scale and a thumbs up. Go check it out if you're a vampire fan and it's still playing near you.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Sutton At The (Aussie) Movies

I know I said in my last post that I wanted to do more than just movie-related posts, but I've got another movie post. But I have a new review up at S@TM and I just had to share it. The review in question covers Dead End Drive-In, an Australian movie from the '80s that I stumbled upon one day and figured I'd give a shot. So won't you give the review a shot?

Monday, January 11, 2010

Making A Resolution

I've been thinking about it lately, and it really seems like I've been neglecting the MSX over the last couple of months. I get the feeling like all I really do with it are post about how I saw a movie that day, or posting a link to the newest post at the "Sutton at the Movies" blog, something I could easily use Twitter for. I don't know how or why it's gotten that way, but I can't say that I particularly like it.

One of the big reasons I started the MSX was to carve a little niche for myself in the broad expanse that is the Internet. Cyberspace is a vast wilderness, and I just wanted to claim a little piece, no matter how tiny, and call it mine. Did I ever expect any sort of audience? No. The MSX has existed in various forms for just over eight years, and I have exactly two regular readers. So obviously, I'm not doing this for any sort of attention.

I really just wanted to do it for the sake of doing it. To essentially leave some kind of record to say, "I was here. I existed." I'm looking back on a lot of my posts, and all I can see is, "I was at the movie theater. I saw a ton of movies." And I thought I had more to say than just that. I was hoping the record I wanted to leave would be broader than that.

Maybe that should be my resolution for 2010, to give the MSX the attention it deserves. Yeah, that sounds good. I'm not usually the resolution type, but I don't see anything wrong with that one. I just hope that it's a resolution I can actually keep. I'd be so bummed if 2011 rolled around and I hadn't.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Bad Remakes Are Coming To Get You, Barbara

The New Year's train has rolled out of the station, and there's no turning back now. 2010 is officially underway, so let's break it in with a new review over at "Sutton at the Movies."

But what movie do I review? After a month of Christmas movies, I need something different. Oh, I know! How about a horror movie? How about a classic one, at that? I want Night of the Living Dead!

Wait, what do you mean I've already reviewed Night of the Living Dead? Can I at least do that remake that Tom Savini directed? I've already reviewed that one too? All that's left after those is that crappy 3D remake from a few years ago. I don't want to watch or review that! I don't wanna! You can't make me!

Sigh.

Okay, I guess I'm stuck reviewing Night of the Living Dead 3D. I don't know what I did to deserve such torture, especially so soon after I had to deal with Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. But I'm stuck with it. So click that link and hopefully I can come up with a better movie next time.

The "Sutton At The Movies" Achievement Awards

I hope you're all having a great new year so far. Me, I'm doing as well as could be expected.

But as you can tell by the headline for this post, we're not here to discuss the changing calendar. Instead, it's time for the annual "Sutton At The Movies" Achievement Awards. For you newbies, this ceremony has become a time-honored tradition for this blog. It's where I take the time to run down the best and the worst of the new movies I saw during the previous twelve months. So let's get rolling with the 2009 edition, shall we?

  • Best Movie: Star Trek
  • Best Director: Zack Snyder, Watchmen
  • Best Actor: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
  • Best Actress: Katie Featherston, Paranormal Activity. I know what you're thinking, but look, I didn't see any of those über-depressing "Oscar bait" movies like Precious or whatever Meryl Streep movies have come out this year. So I'm giving it to the one I liked the best from the movies I've seen. So suck it, haters.
  • Best Supporting Actor: I couldn't decide between the two, so this one goes to both Jackie Earle Haley from Watchmen and Christoph Waltz from Inglourious Basterds
  • Best Supporting Actress: Mélanie Laurent, Inglourious Basterds
  • Best Hero: The voice of Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Sure, the movie sucked out loud, but Optimus Prime was awesome.
  • Best Villain: Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa, Inglourious Basterds
  • Best Antihero: Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach, Watchmen
  • Best On-Screen Team: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis, The Hangover
  • Best Comedy: The Hangover
  • Best Animated Movie: Up
  • Best Action Movie: Crank: High Voltage
  • Best Horror Movie: Drag Me to Hell
  • Best Science Fiction Movie: District 9
  • Best Movie Based on a Television Show: Star Trek
  • Best Movie Based on a Novel (Or Series Thereof): Sherlock Holmes
  • Best Movie Based on a Comic Book: Watchmen
  • Best Fight: Every fight scene in Watchmen. Yeah, all of them.
  • Best Opening Credits Sequence: Watchmen
  • Best Sequel: Crank: High Voltage
  • Best Remake: Friday the 13th
  • Worst Sequel: Halloween II
  • Worst Actor or Actress: Scout Taylor-Compton, Halloween II
  • Worst Movie: Halloween II
  • Biggest Disappointment: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
  • Best Cameo: Bill Murray, Zombieland
  • Best Use of a Song: "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins, The Hangover
  • Best Sex Scene: Jason Statham and Amy Smart at the horse track, Crank: High Voltage
  • Best Chase Scene: Seth Rogan chases the flasher, Observe and Report
  • Best Promotional Tactic: Disney and Pixar re-releasing Toy Story and Toy Story 2 as a 3D double feature to promote Toy Story 3
  • Best Movie About Mall Security Guards: Observe and Report. Who's Paul Blart and why should I care about him?
  • Best Movie About Ninja Assassins: Ninja Assassin
  • Biggest Badass: Jason Statham, Crank: High Voltage
  • Overkill Award: WWE promoting 12 Rounds for nearly a month after its release, despite the fact that the movie was a pretty miserable failure
  • Honorary Award for Blatantly Exploiting a Celebrity’s Death: This Is It. Like there was any reason for this movie to be released, other than to make a few bucks off the media frenzy Michael Jackson's death caused.
Thus endeth the 2009 S@TM Achievement Awards. I'm a little bummed that I couldn't give Taken a few awards, because it's a fantastic movie. But thanks to prior precedent, I dropped it from the running because it came out in France in 2008. So it's not technically a "new for 2009" movie. It sucks, but I'm still satisfied with this year's big winners.

This has been just one guy's take on what Hollywood gave us in 2009. What do you, the readers, think?