Who Doesn't Love Amateur Porn?

Normally, I'm not a fan of romantic comedies. The only movies that could be classified as such that I can bring myself to watch are Shaun of the Dead and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Those two movies are just plain fantastic. And on that very short list, you can also add Kevin Smith's newest movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

Zack and Miri is Smith's eighth movie, but only his second outside of the "Askewniverse" series that made the characters of Jay and Silent Bob so popular amongst my age demographic. And with Zack and Miri, it seems like Smith was making an attempt to do his own version of a stereotypical Judd Apatow movie. Really, the hallmarks of an Apatow movie are there. Seth Rogan, an instance of full-frontal male nudity, a plot where sex is a major plot point, lots of profanities, that sort of thing. But Smith gives it his own touch, which makes Zack and Miri quite the endearing movie.

Though the supporting cast members all chip in with funny performances (especially the fantastic cameos from Justin Long and Brandon Routh), the best performances come from the stars. Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks are wonderfully charming as the titular pornographers. Whether the movie sinks or swims hinges on them, and I think they pull it off. The pair are hilarious together, and their obvious enthusiasm rubs off on everybody else.

I think it goes without saying that Zack and Miri Make a Porno is not a movie for everyone. The title alone is enough to gauge whether or not it would be something you'd want to see. If you aren't completely turned off by the fact that the movie is a comedy about porn, then you might get a laugh out of it. Me, I got plenty of laughs. So I'll gladly give the movie a thumbs-up and four stars on my Five-Star Sutton Scale. Go check it out, won't you?

Happy Halloween!

No, folks, your calendar isn't wrong. Today is the big day. That's right, it's Halloween. Oh, do I love Halloween. I wouldn't hold it up as high as Christmas, but Halloween still rules pretty hard. Anybody who says otherwise is either crazy or lying.

Halloween isn't exactly what it was when I was a kid. When I was young enough to enjoy trick-or-treating, everybody my age was warned over and over about the urban legends of people handing out apples stuffed with razor blades, and how we were going to get hit by a car if we wore dark costumes. And did any of that ever happen? Not that I know of. (Though since the crappy sidewalks in my podunk little neighborhood only went for about a quarter of a mile, thus forcing trick-or-treaters to choose between cutting through people's front yards or walking in the street, that "get hit by a car" could have potentially occurred.) I have no clue if people still deliver these messages nowadays, but I really doubt that parents or other authority figures are still warning kids about the dangers of bladed apples and vehicular manslaughter. Besides, most of that is common sense anyway: Make sure your candy is actually candy before you start eating it, and don't run around in the street like a jackass.

And nowadays, the costumes have advanced so much farther than what I had when I was little. Back in that fargone era between 1987 and 1992, a lot of the costumes that I remember were pretty cheaply made. They were pretty much a crappy plastic mask with only a tight rubber band to hold it onto your face, and a smock made of plastic that would probably create a poisonous gas you if you tried to melt it. And these smocks didn't even look like what they were supposed to be. Instead, these stupid things just had a picture of something on it. Like if you wanted to dress up as Yoda, you'd have a cheap Yoda mask and an outfit that had a picture of Yoda on it. Maybe the Star Wars logo would be stamped on it too. But seriously, though, you'd be better off just walking around town in your regular, everyday clothes with a "Hello, My Name Is" tag stuck to your chest. It'd accomplish the same thing.

To get a better idea what I'm talking about, just check out this link. And honestly, I can't say I know of any of my generation who would dress up in any of these costumes. I mean, if you're going to dress up like Scott Baio, why not go with Baio circa Charles In Charge instead of Joanie Loves Chachi? At least Charles In Charge wasn't a lame spinoff of Happy Days.

The costumes that you can currently purchase off store shelves for a respectable price and not a whole lot of effort have improved so much over the last twenty years. I'm also really happy to see the old standbys of Freddy Krueger gloves and Jason-inspired hockey masks are still around, as well as the modern standby that is the Scream mask. It's really weird to think that the Scream mask has reached the same Halloween plateau as Jason and Freddy. The Scream trilogy's legacy kinda pales in comparison to Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street (three movies between 1996 and 2000, compared to a combined nineteen movies since 1980), but I can't help but notice that the Scream mask has become a big Halloween thing. And I'm not going to argue with somebody dressing up as a horror movie villain for Halloween, because that sort of thing is great.

But Halloween is here now, so I need to go out and enjoy it. If only Macy's could do a Halloween parade like they do for Thanksgiving...

Games Psychos Play

I got back from seeing Saw V about a half an hour ago, and my initial reaction to the movie is that I enjoyed it. Well, I enjoyed it about as much as I could without coming across as a would-be serial killer. I was hoping for a good movie after the frustration of trying to fight my way through a theater lobby filled with a crowd of literally 18,402 children who were there to see High School Musical 3, and I don't think I was disappointed. Seriously, couldn't High School Musical 3 have aired exclusively on the Disney Channel like the first two, and spared me the struggle of having to swim through a sea of kids so I could watch an R-rated horror movie?

But enough about that. All truth be told, Saw V is an odd entry into the franchise. The movie features two concurrent storylines, one seeming to borrow from Saw II's "trap house" story and the other establishing the methods to Jigsaw's successor's madness. It's like we're watching a traditional Saw movie and a horror movie villain's origin story at the same time. And to tell you the truth, I thought Saw V was a solid movie that offered all I could hope for out a movie like this. I also thought it helped that it boasts some good direction, a lack of the awful moments of shaky camerawork and choppy editing that are an unfortunate staple of the franchise, and actors who are committed to their roles. I definitely approve, and will give Saw V three and a half stars and a thumbs up. The only bad part about it is that it left me with the feeling that there was more to learn about the movie, like they were bringing up questions that they have no intention of answering until Saw VI next year. But hey, all the more reason to keep following the series, right?

One of the most exciting parts of the movie, humorously enough, were the trailers that preceded it. Rolling in front of Saw V were the previews for Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, the remake of Friday the 13th, Punisher: War Zone, and the 3-D remake of My Bloody Valentine. I'm on the fence about Underworld, but do you think it's too early to go wait in line for the other three movies?

Or would that be too nerdy, even for me?

All Aboard The Pineapple Express

Like a goon, I've been spending more time watching all those movies I've downloaded than I've been spending on that gigantic pile of movies I've been working on since freaking June. Most professional reviewers could probably write more reviews in four hours than I could in four months. I'm such a slacker. But I guess I can use some of these movies I've been watching to add content to the blog. Yes, I know I did a post just like this on Monday, bite me.

Anyway, first in line is Pineapple Express. As much as I wanted to see this in theaters, I missed out on it for one reason or another. But thanks to the wondrous creation that is the Internet, I've finally gotten to see it. Upon watching it, my initial reaction was sadness that I missed it during its theatrical run. It's nothing short of hilarious. I never thought that someone would be able to blend stoner comedies and action movies, but Judd Apatow's crew did it.

Pineapple Express is one of those incredibly rare stoner movies where you don't feel like you need to smoke a whole bunch of pot in order for the movie to achieve full entertainment value. It actually works if you're completely and totally sober, which is a nice change of pace that I wish most movies like this should shoot for. Not everybody who watches these movies is a pothead, after all.

If there's something specific that I can point at and say, "that's what makes Pineapple Express work," it would be the team of Seth Rogan and James Franco. Their comedic timing together is perfect, and just about anything either of them does is hilarious. And even at two hours long, there are no real lulls in the movie. It never really slowed down long enough for me to get bored with it, never letting more than a couple of minutes go by without some kind of joke. And that's the sign of a comedy that's trying to be the best it can be, folks. On my patent-pending Five-Star Sutton Scale, I guess I'll give Pineapple Express four stars. And that Huey Lewis song over the credits? It rules.

Up next was the slasher movie Return to Sleepaway Camp, Robert Hiltzik's sequel to the cult favorite he directed in 1986. Well, to be truthful, I was going to watch it, but I had to turn it off after just five minutes because it was so ungodly terrible. I couldn't bring myself to watch any more of the movie. Maybe I'll give it another shot later this weekend, but holy crap, did those five minutes suck. I made it only to the second scene before I wanted to throw a brick through my television. So anyway, I don't really think I can give it a ranking as I typically would. But hopefully I actually can watch it all the way through soon. And I'll have to hide my stash of bricks, just in case. I mean, I don't have the money to go buy a new TV right now.

You hear me, Return to Sleepaway Camp? You'd better stop being so crappy!

Joy Rides And Nature Shows

I got around to watching a few movies with my dad this weekend, so why not talk about them here? You ready?

First up is the direct-to-video sequel Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead. I was a fan of the original Joy Ride back in 2001, and though I was mystified by the fact that it took seven years for a sequel to pop up, I will admit that I was looking forward to seeing it. And I didn't think it was all that bad.

Of course, it is not without flaws. But that's to be expected from a direct-to-video horror sequel. My biggest complaint, though, was the fact that the villainous Rusty Nail has been recast. Nothing against the actor playing him here, but I'd have much preferred having Ted Levine return. What, was he too busy doing Monk that he couldn't come in and record fifteen or twenty minutes of dialogue for Joy Ride 2?

But other than that, I can't really say that I thought it was a bad movie. I actually enjoyed it. Mark Gibbon, the actor playing Rusty Nail, is acceptable, and Nicky Aycox does a really good job. There's also some decent stunts and good action too, so I think I'll give Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead three stars. It isn't as good as the original movie, but this'll do.

The second movie my dad and I watched this weekend was Strange Wilderness. You probably haven't heard of the movie, but that's more than likely due to the fact that it was a massive box office failure when it was released back in February. To be fair, it did end up turning a small profit, but its stay in theaters was forgettable and unremarkable. Seriously, it only played around here (and apparently, in most theaters) for a mere two weeks. But that's probably for the best, because Strange Wilderness induces more groans than laughs.

Yeah, there are some funny parts, but they end up being few and far between. Lead actor Steve Zahn does his best to hold everything together, though despite his efforts, he ultimately can't stop the movie from falling apart. And that's terrible. My final rating is two stars on the Five-Star Sutton Scale, and a recommendation that you do as big a bong hit as you can if you plan on enjoying the movie. I did it straight and... yeah.

And that's pretty much it for now. I really need to get back to working on my "Super Saturday 2" reviews. I got one movie in the mail on Friday, and I have yet to actually sit down and watch it. So yeah, I think I'm going to attend to that soon. Those reviews aren't going to write themselves, after all.

Pining For Creature Features

With Halloween coming up in just two short weeks, I've noticed a few cable channels have started showing more horror movies than usual. The Sci-Fi Channel is heavily promoting their "31 Days of Halloween" concept, while the Starz movie channels are advertising something similar for the week of Halloween. But I'm not here to shill for the Sci-Fi Channel or Starz (though I totally will if they're willing to cut me a paycheck). What I really wanted to talk about is how much I miss creature feature shows.

Even though I pride myself in being a so-called "child of the '80s," I never got to watch Elvira's Movie Macabre. I totally would have, if I'd been born ten or fifteen years earlier, but the sad truth is that I was an infant during the show's run. Instead, I grew up watching the USA Network's Up All Night with Rhonda Shear and Gilbert Gottfried, and TNT's MonsterVision with Joe Bob Briggs. I never got the opportunity to enjoy Elvira's Movie Macabre, but I like to think that Up All Night and MonsterVision made up for it.

I have to say that I enjoyed Up All Night and MonsterVision in completely different ways. I have to admit that I never watched Up All Night for Rhonda Shear. With a decade of hindsight, I can definitely see how she could bring in viewers. Instead, I loved Up All Night for the movies. It was the only place I could go to see Troma movies like Class of Nuke 'Em High and the first three Toxic Avenger movies. And though Up All Night showed a multitude of other cheap and sleazy B-movies, it was always the Troma stuff that brought me in. So maybe I should accuse the USA Network circa 1994 for making me the weirdo I am today.

But while it was the movies that drew me to Up All Night, it was the host that made me a loyal fan of MonsterVision. Sure, MonsterVision showed a lot of awesome movies, but it was always the incomprable Joe Bob Briggs that brought me back every weekend. As much as I liked and enjoyed the movies they aired, the segments coming back from each commercial break - along with the "drive-in totals" before each movie - were priceless. Joe Bob was an incredibly funny host, and even when they retooled the show and started more mainstream flicks, Joe Bob was consistently funny and entertaining.

My favorite memory of MonsterVision, though, was the marathon of Friday the 13th movies the show ran on Halloween night in 1998. The interstitial segments where it appears that Ted Turner is picking off members of the show's cast and crew are some of the funniest television that I personally have ever seen. The marathon ran for twelve hours, from dusk til dawn, and I was glued to the television for all of it. That's the kind of show MonsterVision was.

I'm bummed that not only were Up All Night and MonsterVision were both cancelled at least a decade ago, but that no network has started up a similar show in all that time. The Sci-Fi Channel or Chiller would make perfect places to run a new show in the vein of Up All Night or MonsterVision. It wouldn't even have to share a name or a host with the old shows; I'd just like to see something new along those same lines. And with Halloween on the way, this would be the perfect time for some new creature feature show to start up. Hey, Hollywood, are you listening?

Crazy Talk

Being currently between jobs and lacking any major responsibilities at the moment, I find myself with an incredible amount of free time that needs to be spent in some form or fashion. Usually, I can just handle that by playing video games, watching television or DVDs, reading comics, or goofing around on the Internet. Basically, acting the same way I did in college, only without all the wacky shenanigans.

But other times, I spend that free time coming up with various ideas that I should probably be locked up for having. Nothing illegal, just... crazy. One is my idea to run for President on the "All-Night Party" ticket. It would be my little tribute to Howard the Duck's ultimately unsuccessful campaign in 1976. But considering that I won't be eligible to run for the Presidency for another nine years, I don't see myself hanging onto that idea for that long.

Another such idea is the possibility of doing a sequel to the incredibly obscure (and incredibly lame) Canadian movie The Final Sacrifice. I doubt you've heard of The Final Sacrifice unless you've a hardcore devotee of Mystery Science Theater 3000, but I'm sure that either a Final Sacrifice sequel or a spinoff starring the heroic Zap Rowsdower would be money in the bank. (By which I mean that it wouldn't make a dime.) But do you remember all that talk I put into how I was writing a script a few years ago? Remember how I ended up basically saying, "This is hard, I quit"? That's what I think would happen to Final Sacrifice 2: Rowsdower's Revenge. It's a shame, really.

So do you see what I mean? It's crazy talk like that that runs through my mind when I don't have anything better to do. And to think, I used to wonder why all my friends thought I was weird when I was a kid.

Some Things Just Take Time

I know that I've been talking about it off and on for a couple of months now, but alas, I'm still working on that large number of movie reviews I've dubbed "Super Saturday 2." I've currently got seven reviews finished, five on my Netflix list that I plan on writing about, and four bootlegs whose reviews I've got in development. So yeah, plenty of work remains to be done.

Once I get this finish, I don't think I'm going to do anymore of these mega-updates for "Sutton at the Movies" anymore. At least not for a while, anyway. It's really killing me to keep those seven reviews off to the side while I work on the other nine. I'd really like to share them right now, but considering I want to make a big thing out of posting the whole batch, I guess I'm stuck waiting. (And so are you, dear readers.)

Hopefully, I'll have this done with the next few months. I've been working on "Super Saturday 2" for a few months now, and as much as I want to be done with it, it'll still be a while. So stay tuned for a little bit longer, I guess.

Saint Nick's Preemptive Strike

I was in Wal-Mart after the movie, and noticed the two or three aisles of Halloween goods they had for sale. I didn't get the opportunity to check out these aisles and bask in the glory of all things Halloween, but I did wander over to their Home and Garden section and got a mild surprise...

A whole section of Wal-Mart full of nothing but Christmas merchandise. Trees, decorations of both interior and exterior varieties, those big inflatable things that you can stick out in your front yard, all that stuff. Now I could believe just having a few little knick-knacks out at this point, but having the whole darn section set up just 11 days into October? Is there that big of a demand for that stuff now?

I'll gladly admit that I'm a sucker for Christmas, and I have been since I was a little kid. But nowadays, I always get surprised when I see the Christmas stuff up in stores. It seems like it shows up earlier and earlier every year. I know I said a few posts ago that the start of holiday season should be October 1st, but it's still kind of a shock to the system to see such a wanton display of Yuletide festivities available for mass consumption like that.

As much as I want to, I'm almost afraid to start going ahead and getting into the Christmas spirit. Like I said, we're only a week and a half into October, and we haven't even hit Halloween or Thanksgiving yet. I don't want to get burned out. If I can hang on until Santa Claus shows up at the end of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I think I'll be okay.

The Blair Zombie Project

If you've been reading the MSX for any length of time, you'll know how much I enjoy going out to movie theaters. It's been right at a month since my last trip to the movies, though, so I was glad to get out and see a new movie this afternoon. The new movie in question is Quarantine, the latest in the long line of American remakes of foreign horror movies. I was especially looking forward to Quarantine, considering how much I enjoyed its source material, the Spanish zombie movie [Rec]. I absolutely loved [Rec], so I was hoping Quarantine would be able to live up to it. And my personal opinion is that it got very close.

The biggest problem I had with Quarantine is that it's pretty much a carbon copy of [Rec]. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, because [Rec] was awesome. But the reason I call that a problem is because in my eyes, it made Quarantine kinda predictable. Yes, I'm pretty sure that 99 percent of the people who have seen and will see Quarantine have no idea that it's a remake. So I'm sure they'll be able to enjoy it for what it is. But having seen the original movie, it's hard to get into it when you keep thinking, "Ooh, here comes this one scene," or "Hey, this is about to happen, I remember that." Remember how everybody got on Gus Van Sant's case because his remake of Psycho was practically identical to the original, featuring no extreme changes outside of different actors and a transition from black-and-white to color? Quarantine is pretty much the same way, featuring no extreme changes outside of different actors and a transition from Spanish dialogue to English.

But although I could see practically everything coming due to its faithfulness to [Rec], Quarantine still managed to scare me a few times. The acting is also solid, with Jay Hernandez getting an honorable mention. The ultra-shaky Blair Witch-style handheld camera deal gave me a headache, but I guess that's to be expected? Anyway, I'll give Quarantine three and a half stars on my Five-Star Sutton Scale, and a thumbs up. It isn't quite as good as [Rec], but I thought it was a fun little zombie movie.

And if every other movie on the face of the planet can get a video game, why not Quarantine? With the whole handheld camera gimmick, I think a Quarantine video game would seem a natural fit into the first-person shooter genre. If they did it like Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles, Quarantine: The Video Game would rule. I'd totally buy a copy of it.

A Heaping Helping of Holidays

Where does the time go nowadays? It's hard to believe we're already four days deep into the month of October. And being the sort of person I am, I'm declaring that we're also four days into what I consider the true holiday season. I know the common thing to do is to call the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas "the holiday season," but I like to pride myself on being strange and unusual. So yours truly is putting forth the idea that October 1st is the true start of the holidays. Why? Because Halloween rules just as hard as the other holidays, that's why.

I know that I briefly discussed my childlike affection for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas just two weeks ago. But after seeing all of the candy and costumes and occasional Christmas item on sale at my local grocery store this afternoon, I just had to talk about my three favorite holidays again. Yes, again. Just let me indulge myself, okay?

Even though I'm technically an adult now, I've always viewed the months of October, November, and December with a glee generally reserved for kids. I know that the primary causes for this youthful enthusiasm of mine only account for three days out of the 92 days that comprise the closing trimester of the year, it is the unoccupied days that surround them that really gets the anticipation building. Seeing all the decorations around town, all of the holiday goods in stores, all of the various shows on television... it makes me feel like I'm ten years old again. This is why I love this time of year so much.

But I believe I'll share more of my feelings for these holidays as each one approaches individually. And heck, one could even throw in November 2nd as a holiday, because it'll be the seventh anniversary of the MSX. So there'll be all kinds of stuff to talk about sooner or later. Have fun waiting for the fun. :)