The "Sutton At The Movies" Achievement Awards

I hope you're all having a great new year so far. Me, I'm doing as well as could be expected.

But as you can tell by the headline for this post, we're not here to discuss the changing calendar. Instead, it's time for the annual "Sutton At The Movies" Achievement Awards. For you newbies, this ceremony has become a time-honored tradition for this blog. It's where I take the time to run down the best and the worst of the new movies I saw during the previous twelve months. So let's get rolling with the 2009 edition, shall we?

• Best Movie: Star Trek
• Best Director: Zack Snyder, Watchmen
• Best Actor: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
• Best Actress: Katie Featherston, Paranormal Activity. I know what you're thinking, but look, I didn't see any of those über-depressing "Oscar bait" movies like Precious or whatever Meryl Streep movies have come out this year. So I'm giving it to the one I liked the best from the movies I've seen. So suck it, haters.
• Best Supporting Actor: I couldn't decide between the two, so this one goes to both Jackie Earle Haley from Watchmen and Christoph Waltz from Inglourious Basterds
• Best Supporting Actress: Mélanie Laurent, Inglourious Basterds
• Best Hero: The voice of Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Sure, the movie sucked out loud, but Optimus Prime was awesome.
• Best Villain: Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa, Inglourious Basterds
• Best Antihero: Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach, Watchmen
• Best On-Screen Team: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis, The Hangover
• Best Comedy: The Hangover
• Best Animated Movie: Up
• Best Action Movie: Crank: High Voltage
• Best Horror Movie: Drag Me to Hell
• Best Science Fiction Movie: District 9
• Best Movie Based on a Television Show: Star Trek
• Best Movie Based on a Novel (Or Series Thereof): Sherlock Holmes
• Best Movie Based on a Comic Book: Watchmen
• Best Fight: Every fight scene in Watchmen. Yeah, all of them.
• Best Opening Credits Sequence: Watchmen
• Best Sequel: Crank: High Voltage
• Best Remake: Friday the 13th
• Worst Sequel: Halloween II
• Worst Actor or Actress: Scout Taylor-Compton, Halloween II
• Worst Movie: Halloween II
• Biggest Disappointment: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
• Best Cameo: Bill Murray, Zombieland
• Best Use of a Song: "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins, The Hangover
• Best Sex Scene: Jason Statham and Amy Smart at the horse track, Crank: High Voltage
• Best Chase Scene: Seth Rogan chases the flasher, Observe and Report
• Best Promotional Tactic: Disney and Pixar re-releasing Toy Story and Toy Story 2 as a 3D double feature to promote Toy Story 3
• Best Movie About Mall Security Guards: Observe and Report. Who's Paul Blart and why should I care about him?
• Best Movie About Ninja Assassins: Ninja Assassin
• Biggest Badass: Jason Statham, Crank: High Voltage
• Overkill Award: WWE promoting 12 Rounds for nearly a month after its release, despite the fact that the movie was a pretty miserable failure
• Honorary Award for Blatantly Exploiting a Celebrity’s Death: This Is It. Like there was any reason for this movie to be released, other than to make a few bucks off the media frenzy Michael Jackson's death caused.

Thus endeth the 2009 S@TM Achievement Awards. I'm a little bummed that I couldn't give Taken a few awards, because it's a fantastic movie. But thanks to prior precedent, I dropped it from the running because it came out in France in 2008. So it's not technically a "new for 2009" movie. It sucks, but I'm still satisfied with this year's big winners.

This has been just one guy's take on what Hollywood gave us in 2009. What do you, the readers, think?