Getting Caught Up

I've been downloading a bunch of movies lately, but I've been putting off watching them because I've been getting caught up doing other things instead. (Mainly downloading more movies while trying to put in the occasional bit of work on that "Super Saturday 2" project that I've spoken of in the past). But I finally got around to watching two of my illegally-acquired movies last night, so I figure I might as well talk about them. I don't have anything else to talk about, so why not that?

First was a movie with the most appropriate title ever, Zombie Strippers. Yes, I actually acquired and watched a movie named Zombie Strippers, no joke. The movie stars Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund and prolific porn star Jenna Jameson, and the movie is basically about exotic dancers who become undead flesh-eating ghouls. That's pretty much the entire plot, actually. Girls get naked and dance, turn into zombies, get naked and dance some more, then eat people. Repeat ad nauseum for ninety minutes, and you have Zombie Strippers.

But the truth is that the movie is a lot of fun. If there was any way I could go back in time and make it the second half of Grindhouse instead of Death Proof, I'd titally do it. I say that because Zombie Strippers is definitely a modern version of what a classic grindhouse movie would be. It's nonsensical, so full of cheese that I'm surprised it wasn't sponsored by Kraft Foods, and is wholly based around the three B's of grindhouse movies: blood, boobs, and bullets. It's pretty much the greatest Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie ever made. And for all it's worth, Zombie Strippers is more entertaining than it should be. So I'm going to give it three and a half stars on my Five-Star Sutton Scale.

Up next was The Condemned, the third venture from WWE Films. I missed the movie during its theatrical run last year, mainly because it was such a tremendous failure that all the theaters in my neck of the woods only carried it for two weeks. But I finally got the chance to watch it, and I actually thought it was pretty good. It definitely the best of the three movies produced by WWE Films so far. (Though that isn't really saying much, considering See No Evil and The Marine were no great shakes.) Steve Austin makes a credible action movie star, and the always-entertaining Vinnie Jones is fun as one of the movie's villains.

While the plot is pretty much a modified version of Battle Royale's, the movie does make a very thin attempt at social commentary. Unfortunately, it isn't a fully developed as it could have been, leaving us with good parts but no great wholes. (Couldn't The Condemned have pretended it was May for a second and stitched those parts together to make a while?) But other than that, I really didn't have a problem with The Condemned. It's a solid action movie that, though flawed, it isn't as bad as the box office returns may let on. Like with Zombie Strippers, I'll give The Condemned three and a half stars and a big thumbs up. It's totally worth at least one viewing.

So that pretty much sums things up. I'm hoping to get around to watching all the other movies I've acquired lately. Plus I really need to start putting more work into my aforementioned "S@TM" project. I'm really slacking off on it. Perhaps I've put too much on my plate with it? I mean, my reviews nowadays are few and far between as it is, but do I really want to sit down and write thirteen consecutive ones? It's not like I'm getting paid for it or anything. (But if any of you readers want to send me a big fat check with my name on it, I wouldn't say no!) I don't even feel like really watching some of the movies I had lined up, let alone write about them, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I'll just have to play it by ear and see how it goes. I know my readership isn't very high, but I don't want to disappoint those of you who are regular readers by not delivering on something I've been trying to hype. It's not like I'm George Lucas or anything.