Sutton Watches Smallville

I think I'll do something I haven't done in a while. Tonight is the season finale of Smallville, so let's do a little "Sutton Watches Smallville," shall we? Just in case you've forgotten, here's the rules: I watch Smallville, and jot down my random thoughts as the show progresses. Got that? Super. And I hope this episode is good, because I'm giving up the first 20 minutes of the My Name Is Earl season finale to watch it all the way through.

• Oh no, Lex is having a stroke!
  
• So... Lex's stroke turns into The Lex Witch Project?
• I take that back, he dropped right into the middle of Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Maybe he'll make a mashed potato mountain in the middle of his living room like Richard Dreyfuss.
• Hmm, Lex just got beamed up by Brainiac's ship. I just know they're gonna probe his anus. Alien abductions always lead to that. Maybe they'll slaughter some cattle and make some crop circles while they're at it.
• Alright! The first Superman Returns TV commercial! As much as I like the idea, I wonder if they could have rebooted it just as easy. I mean, Chris Reeve's Superman movies went exactly the same way as the Burton/Schumacher Batman movies. The first two were awesome, the second two sucked. Warner Brothers rebooted Batman, so what's wrong with a Superman reboot? I guess I'll wait and see how Superman Returns turns out before I start saying what I wish they'd done.
• You know, this whole Lionel/Martha thing is kinda awkward. A little creepy too.
• Lana "can't believe [she] let this happen." Wait, I'm confused. Why is Lex being a villian and getting abducted by aliens her fault? Stupid Lana.
• It's about freaking time Clark starts listening to Jor-El.
• General Zod is my hero. He better say "kneel before Zod," or else I'll be upset.
• Zod is going to have to posess someone to get his body back? ...Okay. Why am I reminded of Chucky from the first three Child's Play movies?
• Ooh, snap. Even if they are having Zod possess Lex, at least they're finally pulling the trigger on Clark vs. Lex.
• That's a fancy looking dagger. I want one.
• Man, Lex looks pretty good for a guy that just got abducted by aliens and got the consciousness of a Kryptonian villian stuck in his brain.
• Whoa! That was a wicked elbow to the face.
• Lex with superpowers, hmm? I wonder if he's allergic to kryptonite too.
• You know, Lex, if you really wanted to test your powers, you could have aimed the gun at your head instead of your hand. If it turns out you didn't have powers, then you're doing everyone a favor in the long run.
• Aw, geez. If Lana takes Lex's display of power that easily, then I'm sure Clark may not have had it that badly. But Clark and Lana are stupid, but who knows.
• Way to go, Lana, ya friggin' snitch. You know, I never liked Lana.
• It seems like everyone ends up in the hospital in every episode. Their insurance rates must be through the roof.
• If someone decided to do a Smallville spinoff with Lionel, I'd watch that every week. John Glover is awesome.
• You're better off without Lana, Clark. She's a shrew.
• You know who else is awesome? James Marsters. I'd hope for him to be in every episode next season, but that would probably prevent him from doing that Spike movie I've heard about. I'm so torn now. Which do I like more, Brainiac or Spike? It's like chosing which of my children I love more.
• So let me see if I've got this right... Brainiac is going to conquer with a blackout, making the computers look like something out of The Matrix, and uploading a Kryptonian version of Skynet into the Internet?
• Whoa, awesome. Clark needs to catch speeding cars one-handed more often.
• Yay, Chloe kissed Clark! I know Clark is supposed to be with Lois in the end, but I'm rooting for Chloe.
• Milton "Brainiac" Fine: Kryptonian supercomputer, conquerer of Earth, air traffic controller.
• Thanks for calling Clark out on his bullcrap, Lex.
• "At least I walked away with the part you loved the most." Owned!
• Oh man! Zod has arrived! I was hoping he'd be Terrence Stamp like in Superman 2, but I'll take what I can get.
• Is it just me, or are they really playing up Superman's messianic allegory?
• It's about time Clark flew when he wasn't hopped up on red kryptonite.
• Come on, Clark, snatch that plane, or else Ma Kent and Lois will be goners.
• Is that stock footage of the Rodney King riot, or am I imagining things?
• One little blackout, and the whole world goes nuts. Do people in big cities know how to be calm in emergencies, or are they naturally crazy? This whole place is like they just dropped Scarecrow's fear toxin from Batman Begins on the city.
• Lana knows kung fu! She just won me back.
• Run, Lana! Run for your life, get some help! No, don't make out with him! Geez, just when she has me, she pushes me away again. Can't you do something useful for a change, you dumb bimbo? It's no wonder Clark ends up with Lois and not you.
• Wait a doggone minute here... Clark is in the Phantom Zone? I guess he didn't fly after all, he just got sucked up into Krypto-prison.

That was a heck of an ending. Lex/Zod and Lana are necking up on the rooftops of Metropolis, Clark is in the Phantom Zone, Martha and Lois are flying with Brainiac Airlines and are about to die, Chloe looks like she's about to be on the recieving end of a gang rape, and Lionel is God knows where. Hurry up and get here, next season! I don't know if I can handle another four-month hiatus.

However, the big question I have is this: must everyone in the universe fall in love with Lana? You remember Poochie from The Simpsons? Lana is kinda like that. She's annoying and absolutely dreadful, but everyone loves her and thinks she's pretty and perfect. I guess Zod got his brain swiss-cheesed with Lex's, because if he really hated humans so much, he'd have just chucked Lana off the building and laughed as she hit the pavement.

And now on to the second half of My Name Is Earl's season finale. Out until season six.